you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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