grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize