the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
