Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
