can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Couch. On fire.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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