Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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