Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize