I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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