I wish I could teleport
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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