My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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