well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
