i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize