i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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