I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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