I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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