Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
