i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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