As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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