so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
