the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
