The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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