my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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