I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
