Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
