HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
