Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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