She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
