Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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