My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
