in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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