wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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