I've blown a few things in my day
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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