im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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