47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My life is pants optional.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
