i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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