Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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