I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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