trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize