Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
