FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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