matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize