Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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