you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
