They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
