ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
