I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize