i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
