ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
