Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
