I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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