I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
