Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
