i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
