My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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