so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
