ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
