I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize