I wish I could teleport
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
