Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
