Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
