So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
