apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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