I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
