GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
