These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
