Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize