When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
