god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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