it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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