there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
